My broken heart!

Sometimes lives seems to be unfair and I've seen SO many things going on in my life that i just can't believe. I can not hold on to it anymore; my strength is gone and yet, I keep on telling myself that God is good, that He is in control and that whatever is a surprise for me, it is not for Him at all. I don't see any good coming of this path where my husband and I are walking, not by chance because none of us wanted or looked for sickness.

When I was in high school, I used to dream with my future and even though I wasn't close to God, I dreamed with a good husband who will hold me in his arms, a good man to share happiness and have a family with. Two kids, is being my dream. Once in a while I dreamed to adopt one and have one on my own, but I always dream that my husband will be close to me. "I won't have kids if I don't get married" I told myself SO many times.

Then I came to Christ and started walking the way He had ready for me. A few years later I met Craig. Since the beginning of our relationship I've seen how God's perfect plan worked; I've seen our lives as the perfect mix the LORD could do but today, as I write this message my heart is broken in thousands of pieces. Tears come from my heart and I just keep on telling myself that God is a good God and that Craig and I will glorify His name.

It's SO easy to ask for God's will to be done, but it's SO hard to see that the future seems unclear, that my dreams will may never come, that my happily ever after isn't true. I love Craig with all my heart and our desire is to go to missions, to have a family and grow up older. I have dreamed with the day that we will be home waiting for our grandkids to come to visit. I have dreamed in how many testimonies we are going to share with people from other countries about our Savior and today I am asking God one more time...Why? Why is all of this happening to us? What was it that we did wrong? Is it SO bad to want to serve you the way we want? Is it SO bad to still keep my dreams?

The God we serve, the LORD we know, is the one who gave us this incredible time as husband and wife with all the difficult circumstances that we have gone through; the same great LORD of Lords and KING of Kings, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, the one who is and is to come. The God who called us when were sinners to be His people, the one who let us be together and become one flesh. The same God who promised me that all things work for good (romans 8:28), is the God that I am looking at today crying with my heart to ask Him for a miracle.

My husband has been sick for the past few months and it's getting worst, according to the doctors. I have to write that the bad news are according to the doctors, because my LORD can still change it, IF, and this is the hardest part, IF IT IS HIS WILL. There is a possibility that Craig may have a type of cancer that I don't even want to write, but there is a possibility for him to have one of those no one wants, EVER. So here I am writing my thoughts, reminding myself of how merciful my God is, trying to look at the situation with a smile. How hard it is to smile. And for some reason it's so hard for me to be upset with God. I want to, I want to tell Him that it is no fair, that we don't deserve all of this, but who am I to question Him? It came to my mind all the times that I have prayed and asked Him for His will to be done, and this time with my broken heart I am hoping to touch His heart so He change all of this in something good. I found myself with questions like: Am I not listening to you? Was not you the one who promised this and that? Am I getting crazy for all of this going on? Don't I know when is you who talks?

I can't be upset with Him and I thank Him for not letting me be, but I can't have the answers neither. I have to sit and look at my Father and tell Him with all that I am, "LORD, I know life isn't easy, I recognized you have Craig's life in your hands and it doesn't matter what the doctors said, you and only you have the last word. Father take my heart, don't take my husband yet, here I am still, and no matter what future is going to bring to my life, please do NEVER let me go. Hold me into your arms God, I don't want to be upset with you just because is not going to work for anything good, but if that day comes and I don't want to talk to you, please let me feel you and yield at me if you have to, but please don't let me walk without you. I don't understand why, I can not see the good of all of this, but beyond my understanding and my eyes, I know that you are working, that you are in control and I know that my husband and I will glorify your name. Help us to walk through, help me to see who you truly are and teach me how to be strong"

I know it is hard to believe, but it is also hard to understand. We have been married for only seven months (almost) and it has been the best time of my life but I just can't believe all that we have gone through.

My God is the one who made the earth and the Heavens, the creator of everything. My prayer today is for His perfect will to be done, and for my prayers to touch His heart. Join me with prayers please, as Craig and I walk in the valley of the shadow of death.

In Jesus Christ, blessings!